jokes

[doug]

Anniversary Mistake...

>Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

>She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!"

>The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on
her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the
house.

>She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
>Ed has been missing since Friday.

(from willene morgan)

[doug]

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have su ch a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:

"Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf."

(from w.m.)

[doug]

Subject: Elderly Couple (lighten up and laugh a little)

The Husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we
had Sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern
where
you Leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, She says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' He says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it
For old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good Idea!'

A Police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
Having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
Two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them So
there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The Elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support
Aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
Make
their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old Man
drops his
trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man Moves in.. Then
suddenly
they erupt into the most furious sex that the Policeman has ever seen.
This
goes on for about ten minutes while both Are making loud noises and
moaning
and screaming. Finally, they both Collapse, panting on the ground.

The Policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and Old
age that he didn't know.

After About half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple
Struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is
Still
watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to Ask
them
what their secret is.

So, As the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
Something
else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there Some sort
of
secret to this?'

Shaking, The old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that
wasn't an Electric fence.' ?

[doug]

SOUTHERNERS --- YOU GOTTA LOVE EM

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

South Carolina

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in=2 0Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Kentucky

The young man from Kentucky came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break=2 0down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'



'HEY - You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.
(from Donna L.)

[doug]

THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANYMORE

Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company.

Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today.

Quit slamming the screen door when you go out!

Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.


Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.

Wash your feet before you go to bed, you've been playing outside all day barefooted.


Why can't you remember to roll up your britches legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.

You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on


Don't you go outside with your school clothes on!

Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.

Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.



Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.


Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.

Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!



Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.

You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.


There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.

Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.


You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.

Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.


If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!

Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile.


Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.

Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!

Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.


Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.

Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.

Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.


No! I don't have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?

Eat those turnips, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.

That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs don't stay in the house.


Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.

Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!

It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.

If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.

Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!

Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won't get infected.

When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.

'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, young man, and don't you forget it!

Y'all come back now, ya hear !!

Bring back any memories ??? Sure did for me !!!

(from donna clayton lloyd)

[doug]

Update on Banking crisis... news from Japan

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Subject: New Scam

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

Warning:

I hate people who forward these hoax warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important!
Send this warning to all of the men on your e-mail list!
If a young lady comes to your front door saying she is conducting a survey on Rocky Mountain ticks and asks you to take off your clothes, do not do it!
This is a scam; she only wants to see you naked!
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now!

Badtimes:

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.
It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will s cramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Be very, very afraid. PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!

Thanks

To all my Email buddies out there...

A really big 'Thank You' for the last year....
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to some of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat excrement in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to get a wet sponge every time I seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer of the toenail.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a turd on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a dodgy after-shave sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages as the posties are actually Al Quaeda operatives in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and lower Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sandshoes -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my e-mail friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick boy who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and Yahoo are sending me for participating in their special e-mail tracking program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me, that I will now want to return the favour!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144 people in the next 10 minutes, an oversized pigeon with a truly wicked case of diarrhoea will land (and gleefully unload) on your head at 5:00 PM (Daylight saving time) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's hairdresser.
.... So THERE!
Thank You Again. Have a great day! And don't forget to forward this to stop any evil things happening to your nether regions and what not.

(from bernie brien)

[doug]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I
set off for work in my Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the
house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in
our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is
34, and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they
had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him
to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has
been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him
very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has
become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and
I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila: An 1800 stalling after being driven a short
distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.
If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the in-
take manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel
pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
-Walter

[doug]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed.. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

(from bea puryear)

[doug]

I know I have to be careful who I be believing!


A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there..


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says..


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

(from donna clayton lloyd)

[doug]

OVER QUALIFIED

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."

[doug]

Doctor's Office and a SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.


In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'


The room erupted in applause!





DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS..

(from pete lipscomb)

[doug]

When I checked into my hotel, I said to the lady at the desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

(from willene m.)

[doug]

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate. Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. Leno

Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. O'Brien

What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A fund raiser. Jay Leno

What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. Letterman

If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
America! Fallon

What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
Bo has papers. Kimmel

What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. Letterman

(from willene m.)

[doug]

The Journey Of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

(from willene m.)

[doug]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from
typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she gasped and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!