jokes

[doug]

Top ten reasons why golf is better than S-E-X

> #10 - A below par performance is considered damn good.
> # 9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
> beers.
> # 8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
> # 7 - Foursomes are encouraged.
> # 6 - If you're good, you can still make money doing it as a senior.
>
> # 5 - Three times a day is possible.
> # 4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
> # 3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
> # 2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
>
> ******** and the # 1 - reason why Golf is better than Sex...
>
> # 1 - If your equipment gets old and rusty you can replace it.

[doug]

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a  vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.
The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache  of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can  think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try  next winter.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is
shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you
said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

[doug]

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and grab a Coke." "No problem," said the doctor, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the doctor's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the Coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?"

[doug]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
 
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
 
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
 
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
 
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the sto! re
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause i! t's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll m y own ........ so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
 
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
 
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
 
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
 
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it! , because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"
 
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and s! ! ee why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:0 0 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
 
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, dance like there's nobody watching.
Satchel Paige

[doug]

A Real Canadian Joke

A Somali arrives in Saskatoon. He is a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the

first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.
Canadian for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having me
in such a beautiful country of Canada!"

The person says "I no Canadian,I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes

his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Canada.

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not a
Canadian.

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a Canadian?

She says, "No, I am from Jamaica!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her,"Where are all the Canadians?"

The Jamaican lady looks at her watch,shrugs, and says..."Probably at work."

(from bernie brien)

[doug]

Senior Citizen Dating

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, get together for their regular
weekly tea date.

Dorothy is always asked Edna advice. "That nice George Johnson asked me
out for a date," she says. "I know you went out with him a few times, and I
wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

"Well, I'll tell you the honest truth," Edna answers. "He shows up at my
apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine
suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs,
and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and
all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster,
champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me
tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from
pleasu re! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and he turns into an
ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his
way with me -- two times!"

"Goodness gracious!" Dorothy says. "So you are telling me I shouldn't
go out with him?"

"No, no, no," Edna replies. "I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

(from willene morgan)

[doug]

>MARRIED LIFE

> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >!!A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband,=20
>although
> > >very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with=20
>his
> > >old buddies.
> > >
> > >So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
> > >
> > >"Where are you
> > >going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
> > >
> > >"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a
> > >beer."
> > >
> > >The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
> > >refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
> > >different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
> > >
> > >The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could=20
>think
> > >of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They=20
>have
> > >frozen glasses... "
> > >
> > >He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him=20
>by
> > >saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug=
=20
>out
> > >of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
> > >
> > >The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the=20
>bar
> > >they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be
> > >long. I'll be
> > >right back. I promise. OK?"
> > >
> > >"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took=20
>out 5
> > >dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
> > >mushroom caps, and little quiches.
> > >
> > >"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there 's swearing, dirty
> > >words and all that..."
> > >
> > >"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS
> > >DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR
> > >HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!=20
>THAT
> > >SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
> > >
> > >And...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

[doug]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
�
"God bless Mommy,
�God bless Daddy,
�God bless Grandma
�and good-bye Grandpa.
�
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
�
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
�
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

�A few months later the father put the��girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."
�
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, This kid is in contact with the other side.
�
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
�
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day,��had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
�
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

�
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. . . . . . . . . . . .
�
�
This morning the postman dropped dead on our porch."
�

)from willene morgan)

[doug]

 Why The Dot?
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. Has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.

[doug]

Famous Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself: "Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in
a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to
withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a
good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's
time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish
do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to
work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it
will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too
old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

[doug]

For all you history buffs

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

(from willene morgan)

[doug]

Where to live in retirement?

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where....

You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the
face when you open your oven door.
The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot,
and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy
a house.
The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block
party.
When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how
long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away
it is.
The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...

You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on
a map.
You think Central Park is "nature ,"
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
You've worn out a car horn.
You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and
Tabasco.
Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
You have more than one recipe for moose.
Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight
buttons.
The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter,
and construction.


You can Live in the Deep South where..
.
You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
"y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
"He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob,
Mary Sue, Betty, Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home
and he stops at the day care center.
A pass does not involve a football or dating.
The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony
tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your
name.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a
tractor.
You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say,
"It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses
and cars.
Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Wherever you go, there's no place like home.

(from Willene Morgan)

[doug]

Christmas Personality Disorders

*1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

(from willene morgan)

[doug]

The half-wit

A man owned a small farm in Indiana. The Indiana State Wage & Hour
Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an
agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much
you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my
farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free
room and board The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per
week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18
hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes
about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of
bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."


"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent. "That
would be me," replied the farmer.

(from willene morgan)

[doug]

Eight Words with two meanings :

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before takin g off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.. ... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAK ING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND :
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear Jockey Shorts don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boy friends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.