Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca,
age 89, are all excited about
their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding and on the way
they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man
behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married.
Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, sclerosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety.
The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to register here for our
wedding gifts, pleas
jokes
Moderator: doug
48 posts
• Page 1 of 4 • 1, 2, 3, 4
by doug » Thu Aug 07, 2003 10:28 am
90 Year Old Man
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
(from willene morgan)
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
(from willene morgan)
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
- Posts: 24814
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
by doug » Wed Aug 13, 2003 8:37 am
An elderly Italian asked an old priest to hear his confession.
"Father, during WW II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic".
"That was a wonderful thing you did". said the priest, "There is nothing to confess".
"But there is more", said the man. "After a while she began repaying me with sexual favors".
"My son" said the priest. "Those were trying times, and you both young, and under those circumstances, such things happen. You are forgiven".
"Thank you" said the old man, "but there is more. Should I tell her that the war is over?"
(from willene morgan)
"Father, during WW II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic".
"That was a wonderful thing you did". said the priest, "There is nothing to confess".
"But there is more", said the man. "After a while she began repaying me with sexual favors".
"My son" said the priest. "Those were trying times, and you both young, and under those circumstances, such things happen. You are forgiven".
"Thank you" said the old man, "but there is more. Should I tell her that the war is over?"
(from willene morgan)
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
- Posts: 24814
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
by doug » Sat Jan 22, 2005 8:53 am
Farmer's Dilemma........
A young farm boy, about 12, answered a knock at the door.
"Is yer Paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Paw."
How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"
"He went with Maw and Paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely.
"I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or, maybe I could take a message fer Paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Paw about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Paw charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
(from willene morgan)
A young farm boy, about 12, answered a knock at the door.
"Is yer Paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Paw."
How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"
"He went with Maw and Paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely.
"I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or, maybe I could take a message fer Paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Paw about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Paw charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
(from willene morgan)
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
- Posts: 24814
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
by doug » Fri Jan 28, 2005 2:15 pm
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport just after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he was willing to be a witness. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in the arms of another man.
The husband pulled out a gun and held it to the naked man's head. His wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money. This man paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser and the yacht club membership. He paid for our cottage at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.
(from willene morgan)
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in the arms of another man.
The husband pulled out a gun and held it to the naked man's head. His wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money. This man paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser and the yacht club membership. He paid for our cottage at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.
(from willene morgan)
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
- Posts: 24814
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
by doug » Wed Feb 09, 2005 2:55 pm
Big Fish
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip
he hooked a monster fish
and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a
Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is -- it's called a Son of a
Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of
a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired
about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is -- a Son of a Bitch
fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a
Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of
a Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
visit in a few days
and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning
the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops'
dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your
language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,
and that Son of a Bitch
can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that
Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the
fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile
crept
across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people."
(from linda swain)
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip
he hooked a monster fish
and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a
Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is -- it's called a Son of a
Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of
a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired
about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is -- a Son of a Bitch
fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a
Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of
a Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
visit in a few days
and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning
the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops'
dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your
language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,
and that Son of a Bitch
can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that
Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the
fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile
crept
across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people."
(from linda swain)
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
- Posts: 24814
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
by doug » Wed Feb 09, 2005 2:56 pm
Big Fish
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip
he hooked a monster fish
and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a
Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is -- it's called a Son of a
Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of
a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired
about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is -- a Son of a Bitch
fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a
Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of
a Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
visit in a few days
and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning
the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops'
dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your
language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,
and that Son of a Bitch
can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that
Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the
fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile
crept
across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people."
(from linda swain)
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip
he hooked a monster fish
and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a
Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is -- it's called a Son of a
Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of
a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired
about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is -- a Son of a Bitch
fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a
Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of
a Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
visit in a few days
and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning
the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops'
dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your
language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,
and that Son of a Bitch
can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that
Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the
fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile
crept
across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people."
(from linda swain)
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
- Posts: 24814
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
by doug » Tue Apr 26, 2005 11:23 am
Little Eddie
Little Eddie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse'slegs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Eddie asked "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Eddie, looking worried, said: "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
(from Willene Morgan)
Little Eddie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse'slegs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Eddie asked "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Eddie, looking worried, said: "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
(from Willene Morgan)
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
- Posts: 24814
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
by doug » Fri Sep 16, 2005 3:56 pm
The Newly Weds
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband was so advanced in years, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms on their honeymoon because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities they check into the hotel and have a lovely two bedroom suite decorated to the max! Flowers everywhere, big bathroom with Jacuzzi for two, satin sheets on the beds and everything else an expensive suite should have.
Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on her door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They kiss as he looks deep into her eyes and they make music as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride and goes back to his room and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, as she was drifting off into never never land, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more love making.
When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight again and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action." And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,
"Morris, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover!"
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
Moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has it's advantages!
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband was so advanced in years, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms on their honeymoon because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities they check into the hotel and have a lovely two bedroom suite decorated to the max! Flowers everywhere, big bathroom with Jacuzzi for two, satin sheets on the beds and everything else an expensive suite should have.
Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on her door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They kiss as he looks deep into her eyes and they make music as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride and goes back to his room and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, as she was drifting off into never never land, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more love making.
When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight again and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action." And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,
"Morris, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover!"
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
Moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has it's advantages!
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
- Posts: 24814
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
by doug » Wed Oct 19, 2005 4:20 am
The Newly Weds
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband was so advanced in years, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms on their honeymoon because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities they check into the hotel and have a lovely two bedroom suite decorated to the max! Flowers everywhere, big bathroom with Jacuzzi for two, satin sheets on the beds and everything else an expensive suite should have.
Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on her door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They kiss as he looks deep into her eyes and they make music as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride and goes back to his room and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, as she was drifting off into never never land, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more love making.
When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight again and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action." And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,
"Morris, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover!"
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
Moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has it's advantages!
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband was so advanced in years, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms on their honeymoon because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities they check into the hotel and have a lovely two bedroom suite decorated to the max! Flowers everywhere, big bathroom with Jacuzzi for two, satin sheets on the beds and everything else an expensive suite should have.
Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on her door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They kiss as he looks deep into her eyes and they make music as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride and goes back to his room and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, as she was drifting off into never never land, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more love making.
When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight again and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action." And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,
"Morris, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover!"
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
Moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has it's advantages!
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
- Posts: 24814
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
by doug » Tue Oct 25, 2005 11:56 am
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTURBATING.
"OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE DOING THAT?"
THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY...BUT THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH SEMEN. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND HE'LL DIE WITHIN MINUTES."
OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.
IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT. AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED "OH MY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"
THE DOCTOR REPLIED..."SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN
"OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE DOING THAT?"
THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY...BUT THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH SEMEN. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND HE'LL DIE WITHIN MINUTES."
OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.
IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT. AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED "OH MY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"
THE DOCTOR REPLIED..."SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
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- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
by doug » Mon Nov 21, 2005 3:31 pm
Left vs Right
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"
The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the left and the right.
(from Donna Clayton Lloyd)
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"
The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the left and the right.
(from Donna Clayton Lloyd)
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
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- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
The Perfect Husband
by doug » Tue Nov 22, 2005 1:06 pm
The perfect husband----
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function
and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really
liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can
go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks:
"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?...."
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function
and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really
liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can
go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks:
"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?...."
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
- Posts: 24814
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
by doug » Wed Dec 14, 2005 1:36 pm
Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
; August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped,
because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1
hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
; August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped,
because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1
hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
- Posts: 24814
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
by doug » Tue Dec 20, 2005 8:20 am
Why am I so tired
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, low blood sugar or anything else I
could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
terrorists.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, low blood sugar or anything else I
could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
terrorists.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.
providing immigration services worldwide for 25 years
- doug
- Posts: 24814
- Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 10:06 pm
- Location: chapel hill, n.c.
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